Dear Calliope
by Ikxinix
Summary: Arizona writes a letter to Callie


**Please note that this is my first attempt, so be gentle :-)**

**English isn't my first language so sorry for the mistakes.**

* * *

Dear Calliope,

I know you're hurting wright now, and I know I'm the one to blame.

You'll probably don't want to read this letter, but please do it. Even if it is the last thing you do for me. Anything you'll decide after this I'll agree, whether you decide to give me another chance or you want a divorce, I will agree. There's just one thing I want to ask, please don't cut Sofia out of my live.

Before my outburst you asked me why I did what I did. Yes I know we are married and I do love you. Yes I know we have a daughter, whom I love even so. But no I do not know why I slept with that woman. I want to explain what I do know in this letter. I want to explain to you what I felt and still feel, what I think and don't think …

After the planecrash we were in that forest for days. In those days I was in pain, a bad pain. But it wasn't just the physical pain, what hurt the most was thinking of you. I was thinking of you and Sofia. You two were the reason I fought to stay alive. I wanted to see my lovely wife again, to hold our beautiful little daughter. Mark and I, we held on to each other, I promised him to look after our family if anything happened to him. We connected like we never did before, I finally saw why he was your best friend and I truly felt like he could become mine too. Unfortunately we never got the chance. I never got the chance to say goodbye to him.

When they finally found us we were transferred to a local hospital, but I would not let them treat me. I only wanted you to look after me. You were the only one I trusted, after all you are my wife and specialized in orthopedics. Shortly after the transfer to Seatle I started to realize that my leg was in a very bad shape. And although I realized it, I did make you promise me something which I knew was impossible. Rationally I knew chances were that my leg needed an amputation. But irrationally I wanted you to make that promise. I wanted you to tell me that everything would be all right, that I would get to keep my leg, and that we would have our happily ever after.

I know that in my outburst I accused you of breaking my trust in you. Honestly I don't blame you, I know that you did what you had to do in order to save my life, your family. And I'm thankful for that, but in all fairness, sometimes it's difficult to keep that in mind. Because it was your call after all, and looking at my stump reminds me of that irrational promise I led you make. And how you broke that promise. And I know why you did, I understand it, I would have done the same if it was you, but sometimes it's still difficult.

During my recovery I blocked you out, I pushed you away, partially because I was hurt, but also because I couldn't stand the thought of you seeing me so. I know you did everything to make me feel better but I couldn't let you. Because in that moment I still held you responsible for cutting of my leg. It was only after our scene in the shower that in finally realized that you were also a victim of the crash. Not physically but mentally. You lost your best friend and nearly your wife. That realization and Bailey's interference made me realize that I needed to become me again. That I was done being a patient, I needed to become a surgeon again, a friend, a mother and most off all, a wife again. So I decided to work on that. I got back to the hospital and I tried to reconnect with you. And it worked out … I was becoming my old self again.

Then came the financial problems of the hospital and I fell back to who I was just after the crash. I didn't want to invest in the hospital. I meant it when I said that we could move away, buy a house and start all over. But you insisted that we needed to invest in the hospital, that it was our moral duty to our colleges and friends. Seeing that the other survivors off the crash felt the same way as you did, I gave in. It kind of felt that you pushed me to do certain things, things that I wasn't ready for. In that moment I started to act as if everything was okay. I kind off created this new personality, the Arizona everyone loved and knew. I created this shell off who I used to be. And it "worked", everyone saw me as the person they wanted to see. On rare occasions I was the real me, when you helped me with the pain in my prosthetic, when we had sex for the very first time since the accident, when I helped you for your TED conference, …

Looking back I can say that I became kind off a split-personality, due to PTSD, but at the moment I didn't realize. Had I realized it I could've called out for help and we wouldn't be in this situation right now. But I didn't …

Then came Dr. Boswell. I was attracted to her in a strange way, not sexually. Although she flirted with me, that wasn't the reason I was attracted to her. She reminded myself of the old me. She was perky, awesome, happy and flirty. Even you said that you kind of loved her. She was everything I used to be. She persuaded me, I told her that I was married, happily married, that I wasn't interested. But deep down I was flattered that someone showed interest in me, knowing about my leg and everything. Knowing that I was damaged good. I tried to control my feelings. We were saying goodbye, I wanted to give her a handshake but she would want to hug me. Then came the black-out, we were in a dark room and she kissed me. I wanted to walk away when she told me that I was allowed to lose control. It was in that moment that I locked the door and let things take over me.

I never intended to hurt you the way I did. I can honestly say that I still don't know what took over me that moment. But I did let it happen and for that I will always be sorry.

When you found out about what happened I lost it. I called you all kind of things, painful things, things I never meant to say to you. I snapped when you started talking about the crash. You acted like you were also on that plane. Like you were also a victim. In my mind it didn't occur to me that you were indeed also a victim. You were as much a victim as were the passengers of that plane, a much as everybody else in the hospital. What happened that night influenced you as much as it did me, maybe even more. Because you had to live with the insecurity not knowing what happened to us and where we were. In that moment I was only focused on what had happened to me, what I had lost, what I was feeling.

Looking back I regret everything what happened the night of the storm. My adultery with that woman, me lashing out to you, letting you down after everything you did for me. However if there is a positive side on all what has happened, it is that I now realize that I do need help. I finally realize that I probably suffer some kind of PTSD. However I do not want to hide behind that PTSD. After all it was me who committed the adultery, it was me who lost control. And it was me who said all those harmful things. If I had been a stronger person I could had withstand, but I didn't. That is something I will always regret. That I wasn't able to hold on to my weddingvows, that the love for my wife didn't withhold me from having sex with someone other. Even if it was meaningless sex, sex to forget who I've became and what had led to it.

Tomorrow I will make an appointment with a psychologist. I know I have problems and I will try to fix them. But as I said before I'm not trying to hide behind these problems.

Callie please know that I love you with all my heart, I know this must sound ridiculous given the recent events. But it is true. I love you, I love you more than yesterday and less then tomorrow. I will do everything to fix the broking pieces of our marriage, if you allow me.

I know I once said that I am a good man in a storm. Guess I'm not. My boat sank in this hurricane, and now I'm on this lifeboat trying to reach the shore. Trying desperately to save everything I once had.

Forever yours,

Arizona


End file.
